In A Museum I Lay
In a Museum I lay.
Surrounded by vast statues of clay.
Through which dear garrison may stay,
And birds that pray.
In which chirps are stray,
And men around whose hats profound,
Walk to that, that makes no sound
But feels it round, through borrowed ground.
Then women come about, falling feeble to a crowd,
With child on the shout.
That stalls her on the doubt
And children come around,
With wonders on the mind
That carry them to find,
What suits them to their kind.
And when a sound they come a blind,
For they have not a chime
On that heart of them a wind.
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141,365 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Hey, Lee here for a review!
I like this poem quite a lot. There are very few things I think can be changed a little, but I think that your style is solid.
One thing you can work on is the rhyme scheme. I won't go into it in detail because Kaylaa did, but it's inconsistent and perplexing. Try to stick to a visible scheme or avoid it altogether. I think it might be tying you down a little.
I'll point out some lines that I feel deserve improvement:
" And birds that pray.
In which chirps are stray,"
Here, there's a fullstop that comes between an idea. Chirping and birds go together, but that punctuation fragments the image.
" Then women come about, falling feeble to a crowd,
With child on the shout."
It... Doesn't really make a nice impact. It's very vague and somewhat weak in construction. the idea is fine, but its execution isn't.
" That carry them to find,
What suits them to their kind."
Don't use a comma! You're continuing a sentence, so don't break it into two weakened halves!
" And when a sound they come a blind," I didn't understand this. What do you mean?
" For they have not a chime
On that heart of them a wind."
This is one image I really liked. But it isn't strong either; you've rendered it somewhat ambiguous with your wordplay.
I think your overall description of the statues was lacking. You could also describe the immediate surroundings... But this was well-written. Keep writing, and keep in mind all these things!
I hope to see more of your work.
Unrivalled Salutations, to Kaylaa and you.
I would firstly like to leave my thanks to you.
About this matter. I did not believe that I would be given such feedback, yet any feedback whatsoever.
Regarding the matters of my poetical works.
First of all. I am in some sort of confusion and therefore restriction of understanding what I am allowed to write in a poem and what not. I try my best to avoid descriptive sentences as that is not how poems should be (this is what I think). The reason why I have a feel for such restrictions is that my main work and the work which I have worked on with the most and the very first was my fellow novels. I am working on a complete fiction novel. Therefore this has a sort of clash between poetry and novel writing of mass description. Lets just say, I do not know how to control my power of using description and secrecy.
I think you mentioned a part about seeing more of my works.
Well I do have a collection of so lets say around an estimate of 43 poems all unedited like this one.
And on the second matter. I have no such poetical experience apart from reading some in high school by force. I wish to know what the restrictions of a poem is and what the laws are.
As mentioned of my experience. Regarding the rhymes part, I would like to say that I do not even have the slightest knowledge or understanding of what it is that you or Kaylaa mean by this rhyming thing e.g 'BBBB'.
The way I write poetry and my novel is by just seeing if the sentences and the words feel and sound right. There is no educational lessons of experience used apart from my own hearts intent of knowing if it is right.
Also about the line you did not understand 'And when a sound they come a blind'
I currently do not know what I meant by this myself. However I can assure you it has a very good meaning behind it. There are times sadly, when I may write deep passages and forget what I had meant by them myself. But I am sure that I can resolve its definition with the given time and environment.
Now to leave my say, I think I will post a few more poems as my motivation to stay here has rooted.
I thank you and Kaylaa.
Unrivalled Regards,
Master Jallahl.
Sadly, just noting it off. I am unable to post any sort of work until I have some coins. Is there a possibility of being donated any? Thanks. If not do not worry.
@Kaylaa won't be notified of this!
Okay, I'm glad to hear that. Each poet has their own style of writing.
The rhyme scheme of a poem is the pattern of rhyming. If the rhyme scheme of a four-line poem was AABB, it means the first two lines rhyme with each other and the last two lines rhyme. If it was ABAB, the first and third rhyme while the second and fourth rhyme.
And about points! If you want points, you need to review other people's work. You haven't done any reviews since you joined, so I'm assuming you ask people to donate. I'd be happy to, but it's not fair to all the other writers on the site if you only post and don't review anyone's stuff.
First off, I wanted to go ahead and make a comment on the rhyme scheme here. No problem with rhyme as a concept or anything, but in this case it's a little ineffective due to there being no defined pattern. At first it seems as if it will be AAAAA but you switch to BBBB, CCC, and even further on after that, incorporate uses of slant rhyme. Try going for something more consistent with more structure--at first I thought that this would start with AAAAA and then degress until one, which I believe this poem could do if it wanted to, but it starts trailing off deeper into the poem. Overall, the structure leaves something to be desired here and the use of designated stanzas would benefit as well but at this point, the rhyme is repetitive. Sounds contradictory right? But there's no cadence. Reading your own poetry out loud often gives insight to how to go about fixing this.
Now, drifting away from the rhyme and structure aspects of the poem, let's take a look at the meat and potatoes. At the beginning, there's a consistency with the imagery that connects the images to the theme, but when you hit around the ninth line, the motif changes. At first this is a poem detailing the narrator reflecting upon a museum but after that, the subject of children comes into play. I believe that this is something that can be connected, the first half of the poem giving way to make the reader visualize the setting and the past and the latter half showing the future, (the children and youth) looking back at and being curious of the past. That is entirely possible, but it has to be more distinct. The interruption has to be more intentional for this to work. Children bursting in, breaking the silence of the narrator's reflection. Showing their curiosity and inquiry about the past and how they are the future.
This work has the potential to explore an interesting concept and duality between the past and the future, but there are shortcomings that hold it back. The imagery here is sparse even when there's no extent to the possibilities of things in a museum. All you describe are statues when there are plenty of exhibits and so many pools to pull from when writing this. You start to do this at the beginning but again, after a few lines in that progression falls apart. Think about the art, artifacts, scripture--anything that's in a museum and utilize that. Create that atmosphere. The most crucial part of this poem is the setting as it's the subject matter so bring it to life.
All in all, this is a poem with what I see as a lot of potential and a lack of execution. Fix those shortcomings and places that fall short. Make the imagery, rhyme, rhythm, and theme all connect to work together to form this piece. Needs work, but there's at least the potential for something fresh here. Have a nice day.
Thank you for your say. The reply to Little Lee is also addressed equally to you kindly. You have my respects. I thank you greatly for your in depth feedback.
Unrivalled Regards,
Master Jallahl.